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I 



iHE LAST HALF-DAY 

IN THE 

DISTRICT SCHOOL 




BECKLEY- CARDY COMPANY 

Chicago 



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THE LAST HALF-DAY 
IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 



THE LAST HALF-DAY 
IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 



Comic Rntertainment 
in Two Acts 



By 
BIRDIE ERASER 

and 
JAY P. HIGGINS 




i^m 



BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 
CHICAGO 






Si 



Copyright, 1917, by 
BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 



^.^ 



Jljn419l7 ^^'-^ ^'V^2 



"-T^ , / . 



PREFACE 

This play was first publicly presented at the IMcKinley 
School under the auspices of the ^Mothers' Club, and so cap- 
tivated the popular fancy that four additional performances 
were given. These were held by request in the larger Orpheum 
Theater — each time to an overflowing house. 

A description of the play was later given in a write-up of 
the work of this club which appeared in one of the national 
teachers' magazines. Since the publication of that article, 
calls for the play by schools and clubs in all'parts of the coun- 
try have been so numerous that the authors have decided to 
publish it in book form. 

This play possesses an advantage over other district-school 
plays because of its originality and adaptability. The several 
songs and recitations may be changed if others seem more 
desirable, while keeping the characters the same. The an- 
swers to many of the questions may be changed to local hits 
of the most humorous character. A great deal of the fun lies 
in this very fact. 

Likewise, the costumes and the stage setting may be 
adapted to meet the requirements of local traditions and cir- 
cumstances. 

When played by people of wit and a sense of humor The 
Last Half-Day in the District School will, we believe, 
prove an unbounded success. It is particularly comical when 
presented by adults dressed as children. 

Birdie Fraser 
Jay p. IIiggins 

DowAGiAC, Mich. 



[5] 



CHARACTERS 

Prof. Catchematit, Teacher 
Scholars : 

Billy Be Dum, the School Dunce and Clown 

Tommy Bragg, a Boy Who Lives up to His Name 

Sammy Talkmiwh, the Tattle-tale 

Hans Von Synasliem, the Dutchman 

Clem. Johnson, a Colored Boy 

Betty McGee (and her cat), the Littlest Girl 

Dot Simpson 1^ . 

Tot Simpson J 

Topsy Turvy, a Colored Girl 

Susie Shyann, a Very Shy Young Lady 

Christina Vogelsang, a Singer of Ability 

Dolly Dimple (and her dog), Teaclier's Pet 

Tillie Tickle, the Giggler 

Annie Laurie, the Scotch Lassie 

Lydia Lee, a Pretty Girl 

Visitors : 

Mrs. Bulcwell, School Commissioner 

Silas Doolittle ^ 

Josiah Whipstock [-School Committee 

Timothy Windstorm J 

Mrs. Settemrite, Meddlesome Mother 

Several Townspeople 



[7J 



COSTUMES 

Prof. Catchematit: Trousers rather short. Long black coat, fancy 
vest. Red wig and beard. Tall hat. 

Billy Be Dum: Any comic costume. May be left to taste of person 
playing character. Red wig was used in original cast. This charac- 
ter must be some witty wag who is capable of making all kinds of 
original fun during the performance. 

Tommy Bragg: Knickerbocker suit; wide white collar, with immensely 
large bow tie. 

Sammy Talkmuch: White Buster Brown suit, big scarlet bow tie, white 
stockings, small white cap or hat. Represents child of about five. 

Hans Von Smashem: Typical Dutch costume. Blonde wig, baggy 
trousers, wooden shoes, etc. 

Clem Johnson: May be typical vaudeville darky costume. 

Betty McGee: Must be smallest girl. If dark, long-waisted pink mus- 
lin dress, with short skirt, lace collar; white stockings, black slip- 
pers; pink ribbon bows on hair. If fair, substitute blue for pink. 
Carries stuffed cloth cat. 

Dot Simpson : Pretty white dress with bunch of roses on shoulder. 

Tot Simpson: Dressed exactly like Dot. 

TOPSY Turvy: Old calico dress, with big flowers, buttoned down back. 
Hair in two little pigtails tied with purple ribbon. 

Susie Shyann: Plaid gingham dress; hair hanging down in two braids. 

Christina Vogelsang : A pretty girl in curls, fancy dress, with bracelet 
and necklace, etc. 

Dolly Dimple: Small girl. Short full skirt, long white stockings and 
white shoes. Carries stuffed cloth poodle dog. 

Tjllie Tickle: No special costume required. 

Annie Laurie: Regular Scotch costume. 

Lydia Lee: No special costume required. 

Mrs. Rulewell: Plain gray dress. 

Silas Doolittle: Ordinary business suit. Gray wig and beard. 
Spectacles. 

JosiAH Whipstock: Gray wig and beard. Long coat. Boots. Pipe 
in mouth. 

Timothy Windstorm: Trousers in boots. Goatee. Wide-brimmed hat. 
Duster. Stern countenance. 

Mrs. Settemrite: Plaid dress. Old-fashioned bonnet covered with 
bright flowers, and ribbons tied under the chin. Tight-fitting jacket. 

[81 



THE LAST HALF-DAY 
IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 

ACT I 
THE EXAMINATION 

Scene: Interior of old-fashioned district school. 

Long pine benches for seats {or double desks if not obtainable) , 
with continuous desks. Blackboard at side of room. Big 
wooden pail and tin dipper for water. Three-legged 
dunce stool on one side of platform. Raised platform at 
end of room. Teacher's desk, with lift top, in center of 
front. Desk is conspicuously decorated with heavy ruler 
and long hickory switch. Chairs for visitors. 

Teacher enters at raising of curtain. Rings hand-bell. Enter 
Scholars dressed as boys and girls of the olden time. 
Some skipping, some chewing gum, all with big tin dinner 
pails on arm. After leaving hats, pails, etc., at back of 
room, each scholar goes to desk and makes a bow or cour- 
tesy to the master before taking his seat. Teacher calls 
school to order. As he opens desk, a white leghorn rooster 
flies out. Probably put there by Billy Be Dum. The 
teacher then calls the roll, which children shoidd answer 
in some humorous and characteristic way. 

Teacher: Now, children, we will all rise and sing, ''Go Tell 
Aunt Abbie her Old Gray Goose is Dead. ' ' 
[Scholars a7id Teacher sing, each in different key, caus- 
ing a discord, the greater the better. Song is stopped 
by Teacher.] 

[9] 



10 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

GO TELL AUNT ABBIE 

Go tell Aunt Ab-bie, Go tell Aunt Ab - bic, Go tell Aunt Ab - bie, 



^^^sm~^iW^^^^ 



Her old gray goose is dead. She died a-squawk-ing. She died a-squawking, 




a-squawk - ing, With the tooth - ache in her heel. 



Enter Annie Laurie, ivho is late. 

Teacher : Why, Annie, what made you so late to-day ! 

Annie [panting] : Well, you see, teacher, as I was a-comin' 
along the road I met a man and he said Mr. Jones has got 
a sick horse, and they 'd sent for the horse doctor. So I 
ran all the way to the Jones' just as fast as I could to 
get there, and when I got there it was only a man ! 

Teacher \ sympathetically] : Well, Annie, that was too bad! 
You may be seated! 

Enter Billy Be Dum, tvith a ten-quart milk pail on arm. 
Hands excuse to teacher. 

Teacher [reads] : ^'Please excuse Billy for ])ein' late. His 
paw says he can't buy him no diaphragm. He don't 
know one when he sees it anyhow, and for you to quit 
tellin' him to breathe through it 'cause we ain't got no 
money for to get these new fangled things with. — i\lRS. 
Be Dum." 

Teacher [laughing heartily] : All right, Billy, you don't 
need to breathe with your diaphragm. Be seated and 
we will all turn our attention to current events and ({ues- 
tions of historical interest. 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 11 

Enter Visitors, as heretofore enumerated. 

[Teacher introduces visitors. Billy Be Dum makes pro- 
found how. Other pupils call out familiarly: '^How- 
dy/' '^Good-mornin'/' etc.] 
Teacher: AYe will now proceed with our examination exer- 
cises. Hans, what can you tell us about China ? 
Hans [scratching his head and looking wise] : Why, China 

is so heavily populated that two of 'em die every time we 

breathe. 

[Tommy Bragg breathes heavily several times.] 
Teacher [inHtahly] : What are you doing. Tommy? 
Tommy [innocently] : Killing Chinamen! 
Teacher : Well, you need n 't kill any more. Tommy. Lydia, 

tell us something about the triple alliance. 
Lydia [glibly] : It was triplets, but Italy objected, so it's 

twins ! 
Teacher: Quite right, Lydia. Dolly, what can you say of 

the climate in the war zone? 
Dolly [brusquely] : Hot! 
Teacher : Why do you think it is hot, Dolly ? 
Dolly : Because General Sherman said, ' ' War is hell ! ' ' 
Teacher: Didn't suppose you knew much about that — 

What's the matter, Clem? [Turns abruptly to Clem, 

who is making grotesque faces.] 
Clem : My hair tickles my face ! 
Teacher : Well, here 's a dime. Go get it cut. 
Clem [sarcastically] : Can't do it, teachah. ]\Ia wants a new 

switch, and she 's dun growin ' it on me ! 
Teacher: All right, keep on growing it, but I warn you to 

keep your face straight. Sammy, why do the Germans 

spell culture with a K ? 
Sammy [smartly] : 'Cause they can't control the C {sea) ! 
Teacher: Don't tell that to the Germans, Sammy. Billy, 

give us a talk on Belgium. 
Billy: Can't! 



12 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

Teacher: Why can't you talk about Belgium? 

Billy : 'Cause there ain't enough left of it to talk about. 

Teacher : Guess you 're right, Billy. Susie, what eftVct is 

the war likely to have on Turkey ? 
Susie [smartly] : Likely to make Turkey Trot out of Europe. 
Teacher : I guess so. Aujiie, did you have a question ? 
Annie: 1 saw by the paper that Holland is likely to join the 

allies. 
Billy [ivith a ivink] : Don't you believe all you hear about 

Holland. It 's the lowest lying country in the world. 
Teacher : You 're too smart, Billy. What is the Board of 

Education ? 
Billy : A pine shingle ! 
Teacher : This will end our personal examination. We will 

now ask -some questions of historical interest. The class 

may answer in concert, for the benefit of our distinguished 

visitors. 
[The Class answers all the questions vociferously.] 
Teacher: Now, children, who swallowed the whale? 
Class: Jonah! 

Teacher: Who discovered America? 
Class: George AVashington. 

Teacher: Who is President of the United States? 
Class: [Use the name of some conceited local character.] 
Teacher: Who is Governor of Michigan? 
Class : Henry Ford. 
Teacher: Who is mayor of [use name of local town] ? 

[In answering the following questions, use names of local 
characters who seem to fit the questions, and let 
answer he as absurd as possible.] 
Teacher: How did Columbus cross the Delaware? 
Class: He Ford-ed it. 
Teacher: Who is America's greatest bandmaster? 

Who said "Don't give up the fight"? 

Who was old ''Rough and Ready"? 

Who was ''Old Put"? 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 13 

Who was the hero of the Battle of Gett^ysburg? 

Who invented the sewing machine? 

Who said ''Give me liberty or give me death"? 

Who is president of Harvard College ? 

Give Patrick Henry's famous speech. Ans. "1 '11 have 
liberty if I have to swim for it." 

Who made the American flag ? 

What are some of the other names for the American flag ? 
Ans. "Old Glory," ''The Stars and Stripes," 
"The Star Spangled Banana"! 
Teacher : I will now ask you some questions individually. 

Billy, if you should look up to the sky and see Old Glory 

floating in majesty from a lofty staff, what noble thoughts 

would fill your soul ? 
Billy [scratching liis licad] : I xl think the wind was 

a-blowin ' ! 
Sammy [standing up in his place and luildly luaving his hand] : 

Teacher! Teacher! Dolly Dimple has got her dog in 

school ! 
Teacher [looking sternly over glasses] : Dolly, you may put 

3'our dog out. 
Dolly [crying] : No, I don't want to! ^]y mamma said 1 

could take my doggie to school. Please, teat-her, I do!*! 

want to put him out ! [Sobs and hugs stuffed cloth poodle 

to her breast.] 
Teacher [relenting] : Well, Dolly, all right, seeing it 's yen, 

but you must keep your doggie still ! 
Dolly [smiling and brushing away her tears] : Yes, teacher, 

I will. 
Betty [the littlest girl, raising her hand and piping out] : 

Teacher, I got my kitty, too ! 
Teacher [angrily and stamping foot] : Put tlie cat out. 

^ Betty! 
Betty [screaming]: I don't want to! 
Sammy [pleadingly] : Teacher, she wants her cat. She 'il 

keep it still, won't you, Betty? 



14 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

BeAy: Yep! [Nodding her head vigorously.] 

Teacher: Well, all right, this time, but no more cats and 
dogs can come into this school. 

Betty [smiling sweetly on Sammy] : Fank you, Sammy. I 
like you, Sammy. 

Sammy [waving hand] : Teacher, Hans Von Smashem has 
got his feet in the aisle, and gum in his mouth ! 

Teacher [severely] : Hans, take that gum out of your mouth 
and put your feet in. Reading class in First Reader may 
come to the front ! [Class passes.] 

Now, children, what little boy or girl can tell me what 
our lesson is about? 

Dot [importantly] : The Hen! 

Teacher : Correct ! Dot, you may read ! 

Dot [stands up and reads in a drawling voice] : "See — the — 
hen. The — hen — is — on — the — henhouse. What- — is — the 
hen — doing ? The — hen — is — trying — to — crow. AVhy — 
is — the — hen — trying — to — crow ? Tlie — lien — is — a — 

suffragette ! " 

Teacher: That was well done. Dot. You may read the 
next, Hans. 

Hans: ''How does a hen look?" [Stares stupidly around and 
remarks] : A hen has three legs! 

Teacher [impatiently]: No! No! That is wrong. Noboily 
asked «you how many legs a hen has; but,'Lydia, you may 
tell Hans how many legs a hen has. 

Lydia [always correct] : A hen lias two legs. 

Teacher [approvingly] : That is right, Lj^dia. Read on, 
Hans. 

Hans : ' ' Der hen is dead ! ' ' 

Teacher: Yes. Now, Hans [encouragingly], put these sen- 
tences on the board and correct them : "The hen is de^d. " 
"Who done it?" 

Hans [at hlachhoard, chalk in hand, mouth open] : "Tlie hen 
has three legs." "Who done it?" 

Teacher: Read vour corrected sentences, Hans! 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 15 

Hans [reads] : "Der hen is dead mit three legs. Der hen 

never done it! God done it!" 
Teacher [disgustedly]: That is enough, Hans! You are 

very stupid. We will now turn to the horse story ! Tot, 

you may tell us what a horse is ! 
Tot : A horse is an animal ! It has four legs ! 
Teacher : That is good ! Now what is a horse good for ? 
Tot [exultantly] : Dried beef! 
Teacher [impatiently] : No ! No ! Not at all ! It is good 

to draw heavy loads and to carry people from place to 

place. It can travel very swiftly. Who can tell me the 

different ways in which the horse can travel? All right, 

Lydia, you may tell us. 
Lydia [standijig up and answering glibly] : The horse can 

walk, trot, gallop, and run ! 
Teacher : Good ! Now, Tillie, you may tell us the different 

ways a horse can travel ! 
Tillie [just as glibly] : The horse can travel north, south, 

east, west, up, and down! 

[Lydia waving her hand, ivith idea of correcting.] 
Teacher : That is probably true, Lydia. Let us now turn to 

the tree story. Billy, read the lesson about the tree ! 
Billy [reads in a dratvling, jerky manner] : ''I see a tree! 

The tree is green! The tree has leaves! The tree has 

roots! The tree has — b-a-r-k." 
Teacher [impatiently] : Well, Billy, what does b-a-r-k spell? 
Billy [stupidly] : I dunno ! 
Teacher [trying to keep his temper] : Let us spell it by 

sound. B-ar-k. Now, what is it? 
Billy : The tree has fleas. 
Teacher [throwing down book in disgust] : No, the tree 

has n't fleas ! It has bark, bark ! 
Billy : Oh, bow-wow. Bow-wow ! 
Teacher [in despair] : Oh, Billy, you are so awfully stupid! 

The tree has bark on it. Now read it. 
Billy [emphatically] : The tree has bow-woiv on it ! 



10 THE LAST IIALF-DAY 

Teacher : Children, Billy does not seem to be able to think 
straight. Let us leave this lesson and look over the story 
of "The Friendly Cow. '* Listen, children, while I read 
you this nice little poem [reads] : 

"The friendly cow, all red and white, 
I love with all my heart : 
She gives me cream with all her might, 
To eat with apple-tart." 

Isn't that a fine poem, children? 
Children [nodding and shouting] : Yes, sir! Yes, ma'am! 
Teacher: What kind of a cow is it. Dot? 
Dot: a Holstein! 
Teacher : No, Dottie, it is a " friendly ' ' cow. What color is 

it, Tot? 
Tot [ivith finger in month] : Red, white, and blue. 
Teacher : Well, she was a patriotic cow, anyhow, and that 's 

a whole lot. Lydia, what color was the cow? 
Lydia : Red and white. 

Teacher : Good ! What does the friendly cow give us, Hans ? 
Hans [stupidly] : Buttermilk. 
Teacher [rapping on desk] : Hans, keep your ears open. 

Lydia? 
Lydia [trippingly] : Cream, to eat with apple-tart. 
Teacher : Good ! You may read the first line. Tot. 
Tot : "See the cow. Is she not beautiful ? ' ' 
Teacher : The next line, Dot. 

Dot : ' ' Can the cow travel faster than the horse ? ' ' 
Teacher : Fine ! Billy, put that story in your own words. 
Billy : Git on to the cow! Ain't she a beaut? 'Course she 

can 't go faster than no horse. 
Teacher : That will be all for to-day ! Class is dismissed ! 
Sammy [waving hand] : Teacher, teacher ! Lydia is winking 

at Billy! 
Teacher : Lydia, if you must wink at somebody, wink at me ! 

Now we will listen to the class in geography ! 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 17 

Sammy [waving hand] : Teacher, Billy Be Dum is making 

faces at me ! 
Teacher [severely] : Billy, you may come up in front! 

[Billy is placed on dunce stool, with dunce cap on his 
head. He makes faces and all kinds of original fun.] 
Teacher : Geography class may be seated. 
Annie [rising and holding out skirt of a new dress] : 

Teacher, see my new dress! My ma made it for me to 

wear to-day ! Ain 't it purt}^ ? 
Teacher: Yery pretty, Annie! 

Betty [jumping up] : See, teacher, my new dress, too! 
Teacher: Yes, Betty. What do you want, Topsy [who is 

waving hand] ? 
Topsy [ rising and displaying her dress, ivhich is a very 

gaudy, cheap, ivorn-looking calico] : Sho, teachah, look at 

my new dress. My maw dun got it down on de rubbish 

dump. How does you all like it ? 
Teacher : Very fine, Topsy ! Now let us turn our attention 

to our geography. Tommy, give three proofs that the 

earth is round! 
Tommy [looking puzzled and hesitating] : Well, the book 

says so, you say so, and Ma says so ! 
Teacher : Three very good reasons, Tommy. Topsy, which 

is the larger — the Mississippi River in the United States 

or the Thames River in England ? 
Topsy [grinning]: De Mis'sippi! 
Teacher: How much larger? 
Topsy: Why, Massa Teachah, dar ain't enough watah in de 

whole Thames Rivah to make one good gargle f o ' de mouf 

of de Mis'sippi. 
Teacher: Yery true, Topsy. What can you say about 

Plymouth Rock, Betty? 
Betty: They are the best laying hens in the state. 
Teacher: Annie, what is the equator? 
Annie: The equator is a menagerie lion (imaginary line) 

running around the earth ! 



18 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

Teacher : "What zone do we live in, Tommy ? 

Tommy: Zone three. 

Teacher: You don't understand. Do we live in the torrid 

zone? 
Tommy : Oh, I thought you meant parcel post ! 
Teacher: Name three important products of England, 

Annie. 
Annie : Lords, earls, and suffragettes. 

Teacher : What can you say of the climate of Russia, Betty ? 
Betty : Cold and dry. 
Teacher : Why do think it is dry, Betty ? 
Betty : Why, I just read about how Russia had gone prohi- 
bitionist. 
Teacher : Topsy, name the principal races of men. 
ToPSY: De 2:20 pace, de 3:00 minute trot, and de free fo' 

all. 
Teacher : Betty, what is a caterpillar ? 
Betty : An upholstered worm. 
Teacher: What are trade winds, Annie? 
Annie : Hot air in a horse trade. 

Teacher: Explain why a camel has a hump. Tommy. 
Tommy: Well, when Noah got his ark done, the camel was 

40,000 miles away, and he had to get a hump on him to 

get there ! 
Teacher: Annie, name an animal that has neither legs nor 

wings, yet can travel. 
Annie : A worm. 
Teacher: Correct. Who can name two other animals of 

the same kind? 
Betty: Two other worms. 

Teacher : Topsy, tell us something about the giraffe ! 
Topsy : De giraffe am a foah-legged animal wid a 1-o-n-g 

[stretching out arms] neck. 
Teacher: Yes, the giraffe has a very long neck. Can any 

of you think of anything that could be worse than a 

giraffe with a sore throat? 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL . 19 

Betty: A thousand-legged worm with corns. 

Annie: A hen with the toothache. 

ToPSY: A lazy man wid de spring fevah. 

Tommy : A man with the inflammatory rheumatism and the 

St. Vitus dance all at the same time. 
Teacher: That is all for geography to-day. Your answers 

have been excellent. What is it, Sammy ? 
Sammy [wildly waving hand] : Teacher, Tommy Bragg 

shook his fist at me ! 
Teacher [severely] : Now, Tommy, I have been talking to 

you all day and you haven't paid the least attention to 

me. Suppose you were plowing corn. Tommy, and you 

kept telling the horse to ' ' haw, haw ' ' and he did n 't pay 

any attention to you, what would you do? 
Tommy [pertly] : "Why, I 'd tell him to ''gee." 
Teacher [angrily] : You would, would you? Well, now, 

you may point! You can't sass me, if it is the last day. 
Tommy : What ? 
Teacher [very angry] : I said you may point.* Point! Do 

you understand? 

[Tommy points upioard, at the side, and in every way 
except the way intended hy the Teacher. At last, 
however, after a slash about the legs with a heavy 
hicliory stick he leans over and touches his finger to 
a nail on the fi.oor, and receives the customary pun- 
ishment.] 
Teacher: We will now call upon the spelling class. Class 

may pass to the front and stand. 

[Class composed of Sammy, Clem, Susie, Tillie, Chris- 
tina^ and Dolly.] 
Teacher: Clem, spell whippoorwill ! 



* In olden days it was customary for a teacher to make an unruly 
child ''point." That is, for the child to bend over and put his finger 
on a nail in the floor, while the teacher administered punishment with 
a shingle in the usual way. 



20 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

Clem : AVliip-poor-bill — Wliippoorbill. 

Teacher: Tillie spell season. 

TiLLiE : S-e-a-z-o-n. 

Teacher: Name the four seasons, Tillie. 

Tillie : Salt, pepper, lemon, and vanilla. 

Teacher: Now, we have the word f-i-t. Who can tell me 

what the word is? [No response.] Well, then, let us 

spell it by sound. What sound has f ? 
Class: F-f-f [sounding f]. 
Teacher: Sound i-t. 
Class : I-t — it. 
Teacher: All right. Now, what does f-it spell? [Class 

does not know.] Well, what does a cat have sometimes? 
Sammy : Kittens. 
Teacher: You are all very stupid, so we will change the 

subject. We have here p-a-n-e. What does p-a-n-e spell ? 
Class: Toothache, headache, stomach-ache. 
Teacher : No, not that kind of a pain. This is what we put 

in a window when the glass is broken. 
Clem : Ma puts dad's ole shirt in, teachah. 
Teacher : Well, all right, Clem. I have the word impatient. 

Now, you made me impatient a while ago. How did I 

feel? 
Tillie: Sober! 
Dollie : Crazy ! 
Susie : Natural ! 
Teacher [sarcasticalUj] : You've all struck it. Here is the 

word unaware. Who can give me a sentence containing 

the word unaware ? 
Christina: "^ly mamma is going to get me some silk 

unawares at the ten-cent store." 
Teacher: Now, how will you punctuate this sentence, 

Sammy? [Writes on hlackhoard, ''John has a new 

bicycle"] 
Sammy: That 's easy, teacher. Stick tacks in the tire. 
Teacpier: All right if you don't like John. Punctuate tliis 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 21 

sentence, Dolly: "A five-dollar bill flew around the 

corner ' ' 
Dolly : A period after corner. 
Teacher : What is it, Clem ? 
Clem : I would n 't do it dat way, teachah. I 'd make a dash 

aftah the five-dollah bill! 
TexVCher: Now, children, I shall read you a lovely poem 

entitled ''The Old Oaken Bucket." [Reads first stanza.] 

You may illustrate the poem, children. 

[Papers passed and shortly collected. Betty hands in 
paper with pictures of three distinct buckets, and the 
whole page covered with polka-dots.] 
Teacher: Why, Betty, I don't understand. What [point- 
ing to first bucket] is this? 
Betty : That 's the moss-covered bucket. 
Teacher: And this? [Poiiiting to second.] 
Betty : That 's the iron-bound bucket. 
Teacher: And this? 
Betty : That 's the * ' old oaken bucket that hung in the 

well." 
Teacher: What are these spots, Betty? 
Betty: Why, those are the "loved-spots that my infancy 

knew. ' ' 
Sammy [waving] : Teacher, Hans Von Smashem is chewing 

gum! 
Teacher: Hans, this is twice I have spoken to you about 

gum. You may come here and hold down this nail. 

[Hans obeys, grinning. Plenty of original antics may be 
thrown in by Hans, or by any of the pupils. This 
play leaves a great deal of room for originality.] 
Teacher: We have one more class, the physiology and 

hygiene class. 

[Betty McGee raises hand and asks permission to leave 
room. Teacher gives permission. While going she 
slips a rope around Hans' feet and ties him to Billy 
Be Dum's feet. She does this very demurely and 7io 



22 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

one suspects, as Betty is a very innocent appearing 
little girl. Betty takes her seat.] 
Teacher [calls physiology class and asks the following ques- 
tions, Class giving answers in turn] : What happens to 
a man when his temperature goes down as far as it can 
go? Ans. He has cold feet. 

What is a skeleton? Ans. A skelington is a frame- 
work, with nobody on it, or, A skeleton is a man with his 
insides out and his outsides off. 

How many bones in the human body? Ans. There 
are 206 unless a man is a bonehead, then there are 207. 

Describe digestion. Ans. Digestion begins in the 
mouth and ends in the new testament. 

What is the name of the canal found in the ear? Ans. 
Erie {ear-y) Canal. 

How many skins have we? Ans. We have two skins, 
an upper and a lower skin. The lower skin moves all the 
time, the upper skin moves when we do. 

What happens to starch in the stomach? Ans. Starch 
changes to sugar and sugar changes to sugar cane. 

How many teeth has a man? Ans. It depends on 
how many fights he had when he was young. 
Teacher : A very good recitation. I will now pass out these 
blank sheets of paper. Upon them I wish each boy and 
girl to draw a picture of what they would like to be when 
grown. 
Dolly : Can I pass the paper, teacher? 
Sammy: Can't I pass it, teacher? 
Teacher: Betty may pass it! 

[Dolly ivhimpers and Sammy sputta^s to himself. A 
few moments are given for drawing. Teacher col- 
lects papers. Susie Shyann has a blank paper.] 
Teacher : Susie, why is your paper blank ? 
Susie [blushing and hesitating] : Well, yon see, teacher, I 
want to get married wlion T ain grown, liut T did n't know 
how to draw it. 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 23 

Teacher: Here are more papers. Upon these I wish each 
child to draw a picture of what he would do if he 
had a million dollars. 

[Pictures drawn and collected. One sheet blank.] 

Teacher: Well, Billy, you have left a blank sheet, I see. 
What would you do if you had a million ? 

Billy : Jest what 's on the paper, teacher. 

Teacher: There isn't anything there! 

Billy: That 's just it — nothin'! 

Teacher: Hans and Billy may take their seats. [Upon 
attempting to rise, of course, their feet being tied, they 
both fall down and cause cansiderahle commotion.] 

Teacher: Who did that, now? Come, speak up, who did 
that? [No answer.] 

I want the one who tied those boys to speak up. 

[Betty hangs her head.] 

Lydia: Betty did it, teacher! 

Dolly : Yes, sir, Betty, she done it. I seen her do it. 

Sammy [ivho always defends Betty] : No, sir, she didn't 
do it. Betty didn't! 

Teacher: Betty, come here! 

[Betty obeys reluctantly , coming slowly forward, hang- 
ing her head.] 

Teacher: Betty, did you tie those boys? 

Betty [hesitates, then answers] : Yes, sir, I cannot tell a 
lie. I did it with a little rope. 

Teacher: Well, Betty, you are a regular George Washing- 
ton ! Here is a nice little hatchet. Keep it for your 
honesty. [Betty skips to seat.] We will now pass to 
recess. [Everybody rises and skips out.] 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

THE "LITERARY" PROGRAM 

Scene: TJie same. 

As the curtain rises, Visitors are seen talking among them- 
selves and with the Teacher. ]\1r. Windstorm is occu- 
pied in taking notes of the school equipmoit and in 
examining some of it. Teacher rings hell, when Visitors 
resume their places, and Scholars skip hack to their seats. 

Teacher [rises, turning toward the Visitors, and makes the 
following announcement, then resumes his seat] : AVe 
will now listen to some speaking and singing by the 
scholars, in honor of our last half-day before vacation. 
The first thing on our program is a little verse of wel- 
come by Susie Shyann! 

[Each pupil steps forward and faces the audience ivhen 
reciting.] 

Susie [rises and very shglg says her little speech] : 

ADDRESS OF WELCOME 

We welcome you, dear visitors; 

We 're glad to see you here. 
We hope that you '11 come often 

Throughout the coming year. 

We take this way to thank you, 

For all the good you've done. 
We know that you've been working 

To liclp us every one. 
[24] 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 25 

If to-day mistakes we 're making, 

Perhaps some failures, too, 
Oh! believe us, we are trying 

Our very best to do. 

So on this day for visitors, 

Your own through all the year. 
We want once more to tell you 

We 're very glad you 're here. 

Teacher: The next will be a recitation hy Dot and Tot 

Simpson. 
Dot and Tot [recite] : 

MAMMA'S LITTLE DARLINGS 

We are mamma's little darlings — 
Don't you think we're awful sweet? 

With these roses on our shoulders. 
And our muslin dresses neat ? 

Mamma made them just on purpose, 
'Cause we'se goin' to speak to you. 

Don't you wish you had one like them? 
We know you do. 

Teacher: Now we will have a declamation by Sammy 

Talkmuch. 
Sammy [tallis as fast as possible] : 

Here I stand before the glass; 

From top to toe it reaches. 
Now look, here's head and hands and feet. 

And all the rest is breeches. 



Teacher: We will now listen to a duet by Christina Vogel- 
sang and Tommy Bragg. 
Christina ] j^. ^^^^^^ , 
Tommy ) 



26 



Habbt Birch 
Allegro moderato 



REUBEN AND RACHEL 

PER. OF WHITE-SMITH MUSIC PUB. CO. 



William Goocb 






s» =» =^ 



rT'^fr^ 



Till ready to sing. 




£ -^ -, ^l_ , ^ P_\ II i I 11 



Rachbl. 



1. Reu-ben, I have longbeen thinking What a good world this might be, 

2. Reu-bcn,rm a poor lone -wom-an. No one seems to care for me, I 

3. Reu-ben, what's the use of fool-ing, Why not come up Hke a man? 

4. Reu-ben, now do stop your teas-ing, If you've an -y love for me; 




REUBEN AND RACHEL— Continued 



27 




the men were all trans-port-ed 



be-yond the North-ern Sea. 



•wish the men were all trans-port-ed Far be-yond the North-ern Sea. 



If you 'd like to 
I was on - ly 



have a "lov - er" 
just a - f ool-ing, 



I'm for life your "Sal - ly Ann." 
As I tho't of course you 'd see. 




Reuben. 



Ra-chel, I have long beenthinking, What a fine world this might be, 
I'm a man with -out a vie -tim, Soon I think there's one will be, 
Oh my good-ness! oh my gracious! What a queer world this would be, 
Ra-chel, I will not transport you. But will take you for a wife, 




If we had some more young la-dies On 
If the men are not trans-port-ed Far 
If the men were all trans-port-ed Far 



this side the Northern Sea. 
be-yond the Northern Sea. 
be - yond the Northern Sea. 



We will live on "milk and hon-ey," Better or worse we're in for life. 




28 



REUBEN AND RACHEL- Concluded 

Rachel. 



^H^P^^^ 



Too ral loo ral, 



Too ral lee, 




Too ral loo ral loo, 



Too ral loo ral loo. 



P: ^ 






^s^^^ ^m^ 



If the men were all transport - cd Far be-yond the North -em Sea. 



If we had some more young ladies On this side the North-ern Sea. 







@E^?:^^fef^fefedl5^fc^^ 




Till ready to sing. 






I 1 , 1^ , I 1,1 I 



S^^^g^g^ 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL " 29 

Teacher : The next will be an original composition by Hans 

Von Smashem. 
Hans [reads] : 

GIELS 

A girl is a kid what will some day grow up to be a woman stead 
of a man if she is kareful an aint kiled by a oughtomobeile or dont 
die death from other natchel coses. You kin alius tell the dif ranee betwen 
a boy an a girl beeos she puts on ares an has curls an dont get holes in 
the nees of her stockins or kalus on her thum from shootin marbles fer 
keeps. 

Girls is funny children. They get sore on a feller when he kisses 
em an they sometimes gets sore cause he dont kiss em. How kin a 
feller tell what to do? I dont know. Ive knowed a pile of girls in 
my time an their all jest the same ceptin the color of there hare an 
eyes an the dresses what they ware. 

Girls favorut fun is chewin gum an tattlin to there mothers. They 
also enjoys ice cream sody when they kin get it. I wouldnt be a girl 
fer ennything becos they cant never be a baseball picher or president 
of these united states of america. Girls looks nice when they is dressed 
an in the parler but they aint no fun playin fer they is alius afrade 
of gettin dirty or gettin there hare pulled. 

Girls is afrade of mice rats bugs an freckels an last years close. 
Girls is certain funny sometimes but I think mebbe they will get better 
when they grows up. Farther says young spiruts does get better with 
age. I"/^ Neiuton Greene 

Teacher : A recitation by Billy Be Dum. 
Billy [recites] : 

NO PLACE FOR BOYS 

Ma, she says, ' ' S-s-h-h ! " Pa, he says, * ' don 't ! ' ' 

Aunt Lou, she says, ' ' Kee-ee-eep still ! ' ' 
An' grandpa says, ^'Oh, go outside 

If you must wissle. Bill! " 
An' even Jane, the hired girl, 

Says : * ' Goodness, hush that noise ! ' ' 
It 's plain enough to me that home 

Ain't no fit place for boys! 



30 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

^En pa says : ' ' S-h-li-h ! ' ' an ' ina says ' ' Don 't ! " 

An ' grandpa says, * * Land sakes ! ' ' 
An' 'en Aunt Lou says: ''Gracious mc! 

What noise one youngster makes! " 
An' Mike, the hired man, he says: 

"My heavens! What a noise! " 
So I just have to go outside, 

'Coz home 's no place for boys. 

'En I go down to Uncle Jack's, 

An ' he says,- ' ' Gracious me ! 
Here is that merry boy of mine, 

Come out, Aunt Moll, and see ! ' ' 
'En we go inside an ' we make 

Such a big lot of noise. 
It seems to me 'at Uncle Jack's 

The only place for boys. 

Gee, but I 'd like to live somew 'eres 

Where i)eople don 't say, * ' Tush ! ' ' 
Or, ''Goodness me!" or "Sakes alive!" 

Or "Don't! " or "Sh-h-h!" or "Hush!" 
Whenever I just squeak a chair 

Or make a little noise, 
'Coz such a place as that would be 

A bully place for boys. [J. W. Foley 

» 
Teacher: The next will be a song by Topsy Turvy and 
Clem Johnson. 

Topsy ) 

^ } [sing and dance in typical vaudeville fashion] : 

Clem \ 

OLD BLACK JOE 
(Or any other negro melody.) 

Teacher : A recitation by Dolly Dimple. 

Dolly [forgets her piece before she is fairly started. Stam- 
mers, becomes very nervous, at last breaks down, weeping, 
and goes to her seat.] {Thin is all of Dolly's piece that 
is needed.) 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 31 

I want a piece of calico, 

To make my doll a dress. [Bepeats.l 
I doesn't want a big piece, [Very nervous.] 

A yard will do, I guess. [Scared.] 
'Cause Hepsy tore her apron, [Getting worse] 

A-slidin' down the stairs. 
And Caesar tore his — [Hesitates] 

Caesar tore his — [Sobs] 

Caesar tore his — 

[BrealvS down and goes to seat sohhing.] 

Teacher : Solo by Billy Be Dum. 
Billy [sings] : 

SUNDAY NIGHT IN PUNKINVILLE 

Tune: Yankee Doodle 

'T was Sunday night in Punkinville, 

In clear, cold winter weather, 
Josiah Perkins and his Sal 

Sat by the fire together. 

The apples by the chimney snug 

Were slowly getting warmer, 
The cider in the pewter mug 

Was bubbling in the corner. 

A wooden settle firm and good 

Their loving forms supporting; 
'T was made of seasoned white pine wood — 

Just the thing for courting. 

At one end Sally stuck like pitch, 

While Josiah seemed to fear her. 
But after while he gave a hitch 

And got a little nearer. 

Sal cast her eyes down, looked quite tame, 

Tho' very sweetly blushing. 
While all the blood in Josiah 's frame 

Seemed to his cheeks a-gushing. 



32 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

He hitched again and got quite near, 

He could not then resist her, 
He called her his own Sally dear, 

Then bashfully he kissed her. 

Good gracious! but she gave a start, 

Her anger did not smother. 
She said, ' ' If you do that again. 

Now, Josh, I'll tell my mother! " 

They soon made up and she came back, 

And calmed her agitation, 
When last I saw them through the crack 

They were kissing like tarnation. 

Teacher : We will now listen to a recitation by Betty McGee. 
JiETTY [carries an imitation dead cat by the tail] : 

THE DEAD CAT 

You'se as stiff and as cold as a stone. 

Little cat, 
Dey 's done f rowed you out an ' left you alone, 
Little cat. 
I 'se a-strokin ' youse fur, 
But you don 't never purr. 
Nor hump up anywhere, 
Little cat. 
Why is dat? 
Is youse 's purrin' an' humpin'-up done? 

Why fer is youse little feet tied, 

Little catf 
Did dey pizen youse tummick inside, 
Little cat? 
Did dey stone you wif bricks, 
An' wif big nasty sticks? 
An' abuse you wif kicks. 
Little cat? 
Tell me dat! 
Did dey holler when you cwied? 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 33 

Did it hurt very much when you died, 

Little eat? 
Why did n 't you wun off an ' hide, 
Little cat? 
I'se wet in my eyes, 
'Cause I most always cwies, 
When a pussy eat dies, 
Little cat. 
Fink of dat! 
And I'se awfully sowwy besides! [Cries.] 

Des sleep quiet down dere in de soft gwound, 

Little cat. 
While I tucks the gween gwass all awound, 
Little cat. 
Dey can't hurt you no more. 
When you'se tired and so sore, 
Des sleep quiet, you pore 
Little cat. 
And forget all de kicks of de town. [Sobs.] 

Teacher: The next will be a recitation by Topsy Turvy. 
TopsY [recites] : 

PORE LI'L MOSE 

About 'er mile frum Cottonville 

Dere stands de district school 
Where all de cullud chillens go. 

De teachah am a fool. 
My daddy gwine ter take me out. 

And put me on de fahm. 
He says de foolishness I leahn 

It simply do me hahm. 

He says de stuff dey teaches 

'Bout de effects of alcohol 
Is just ter keep poor folks from 

Habin' any fun at all. 
And ebery Friday afternoon, 

We alius got ter speak, 
And my pa says how kin er coon 

Learn sumpin' every week? 



34 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

But speak we does, and, Lordy sakes, 

You certainly would die 
Ter hear de high-toned pieces 

Dat dem coons git up and try. 
First Susie Smith, she up an' speaks 

'Erbout der restless sea. 
Den 'Rastus White he rattles off 

*■ * Ter be er not ter be. ' ' 

An' after dat Sam Johnson comes 

An' stands upon de floor 
An' bows, and chokes, and stammers out 

'Erbout ' ' Excelsior. ' ' 
' ' De boy stood on de burnin ' deck ' ' 

Comes next by Moses Small, 
He 's spoke dat piece so often 

Dat he mos' fergit hit all. 

Well, some speaks prose, and some of dem 

Speaks blankety -blank ve'se. 
An' some speaks poetry, and some 

Eeads essays which am wo 'se. 
An' den de teachah calls on me, 

When all de rest am froo. 
And I speaks one I wrote myself, 

De best what I could do. 



[My Piece.] 

"Prom Greenland's icy mountains 

Ter Patagonia's land 
De great almighty dollah cuts 

De ice ter beat de band." 



De teachah tuck and called me up 

An' said 't dat was slang, 
An' I says, ''You go chase you 'self!" 

I didn't care a hang! 
An' den de teachah jump on me 

An' hit me such a whack, 
Dat now my ])a's as nmd as hoi)S 

An' I ain't gwine back! [B. F. OutcaU 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 35 

Teacher : Billy Be Dum and Tommy Bragg will now recite 
' ' A Horse and a Flea. ' ' 

Tommy 1 ^^^^ ^ quick, jerky, sing-song way, recite] : 

A horse and a flea and three blind mice 

Sat on the floor a-shaking dice. 

The horse slipped up and fell on the flea; 

And the flea hollers out, 

' ' There 's a horse on me ! " 

Teacher: A song by the boys. 
Boys and Teacher [sing] : 

THE OLD DISTEICT SCHOOLDAYS 

Tune: TJie Old Oalen Buclcet 

How dear to my heart are the scenes of our schooldays, 

When fond recollections present them to view; 
The schoolhouse, the playground, the grove and the wildwood, 

And every loved thing that our lost kid days knew — : 
The primer, the speller, the slate, and the ruler, 

The sweet little girls that we all liked to smack — 
The good ones, the bad ones, the bright ones, the dull ones, 

The ones that have left us and ne 'er will come back. 

Chorus : 

The old district schooldays, the hickory-stick schooldays, 
The old-fashioned schooldays, we all loved so well. 

How sweet are thfe thoughts of the games of our schooldays, 

As toiling along on the rough road of life, 
Our memories return to the school and its playdays. 

In fancy we join once again in the strife: 
Puss wants a corner, marbles and baseball. 

Follow the leader and hunt the gray fox, 
Eing 'round the rosy, wood goal, and snowball. 

Skating and coasting, and duck on the rock. 

Teacher : The next is a recitation by Annie Laurie. 



16 THE LAST HALF DAY 

Annie [recites] : 

"IMPH-M" 

When I was a laddie lang syne at the schule, 
The niaister aye ea 'd me a dunce an' a fule; 
For soinelioo his words I couhl ne 'er un 'crstan ' 
Unless when he bawled, ''Jamie, hand oot yer han'!'* 

Tlien I gloom 'd and said, ' ' Imph-m, ' ' 

I gluneh 'd and said, ''Imph-m." 
I was na ower proud, but ower dour to say A-y-e! 

Ae day a queer word, as langnebbits himsel ', 
He vow'd he would thrash me if I wad na' spell. 
Quo' I, "Maister Quill," wi' a kin' o' a swither, 
*'I'll spell ye the word if ye '11 spell me anither; 

Let's hear ye spell 'Imph-m,' 

That common word 'Imph-m,' 
That auld Scotch word 'Imph-m' — ye ken it means A-y-e! " 

Had ye seen hoo he glour 'd, hoo he scratched his big pate, 
An ' shouted, ' ' Ye villain, get oot o ' me gate ! 
Get aff to your seat! yer the plague o' the schule? 
The de'il o' me kens if yer maist rogue or fule! " 

But I only said, "Imph-m," 

That pawkie word, "Imph-m," 
He could na spell "Imph-m," that stands for an A-y-e! 

An' when a brisk wooer, I courted my Jean — 
O' Avon's braw lassies the pride an' the queen — 
When 'neath my gray plaidie, wi' hehrt beatin' fain, 
I speired in a whisper if she'd be my ain, 

She blushed, an' said, "Imph-m," 

That charming word, "Imph-m," 
A thousan' times better an' sweeter than A-y-e! 

Just ae thing I wanted my bliss to complete — 
A kiss from her rosy mou ', couthie an ' sweet — 
But a shake o' her head was her only reply — 
Of course, that said No, but I keut slie meant A-y-e, 

For her twa e'en said, "Imph-m," 

Her red lips said, "Imph-m," 
Her hale face said, "Imph-m," an' "Imph-m" means A-y-e. 

Teacher- A recitation l)v Tillie Tickle. 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 37 

TiLLiE [gets up to recite, hut giggles so she has to sit down]. 
Teacher: A recitation by Tommy Bragg. 
Tommy [recites] : 

'^WISH I HAD A DOG" 

Oh, pa, the boy next door to us — 

The one that's jest moved in — 
Has got a bully St. Bernard 

That comes 'most to my chin. 
He's got a collar — 'nd his name 

Is all wrote on it, too. 
Bill takes him out to play with him 

Whenever school is through. 

'Nd, pa, you 'd ought to 've seen him oncet, 

When we went to the store — 
'T was almost time for school to start — 

We did n 't know it 'fore 
We heered the bell, — 'nd then Bill says, 

*'You take it home, old boy." 
Bob took the bundle in his mouth 

'Nd jest yelped out for joy. 

'Nd, pa, Bill says that Bob's more fun 

Than any feller 'd be — 
He runs, 'nd barks, 'nd jumps, 'nd plays, 

'Nd fetches things, you see, 
'Nd Bill, he's got a brand-new sled 

With reins, for Bob to draw; 
'Nd then he ''shakes," 'nd sits, 'nd begs — 

Sech tricks you never saw! 

'Nd, pa, I think that if I had 

A playmate dog like that 
I would n 't want so many things — 

I would n 't need that bat — 
Nor play so much with other boys, 

Nor tease at Uncle Will's — 
I'd be a better boy, I'm sure. 

If I 'd a dog like Bill's. 

Teacher: A song by Samm}^ Talkmuch and Betty McGee. 
Sammy and Betty [sing, Scholars joining in the chorus] : 



88 



SCHOOLDAY MEMORIES 



J. P. HiGGINS 



Halset E. Mohk 



;?Ti^^^ 



^^^m^ 



1. On our mem-'ry's thorough-fare, Mon-u-ments stand ev-'ry- where; Rel-ics 

2. Man - y years have passed ^ - way, Yet it seems but yes-ter - day, So vivid 



mii^s^ 



a=e: 



^s^=^~^. 



;i=^s 



^ g;j=j=j =j^- 



6-F==- 



^ 



1=^ 



'^ 



of the days be-yond re - call, . 
is the print on mem-'ry's page, 



S^ 



m^ 



-^ 



. . Stand-ing out in bold re- 
. . When, as boys and girls we 



^^ms^ 



m^^i^ 



lief 'Gainst the sea of un-be - lief, Mute re - mind-ers of the 
played In the sunshine and the shade, Round the quaint old school-house 







PP£ ^^ 



^S^^g"^^^^^£^£g£=££EigE£;^^gl 



deeds of one and all And as we hearken to their si- lent 

long since wrecked with age And as we watch the sun-set's gold - en 



^^^^ 



^— ta: 



^Z-^g g^gH^^g^gfj^Jl^gg^ ^EEP gJFi^j 



lays, Come vi-sions of the long de-part-ed days. 

glow, Our tho'ts dwell on those days of long a - go.. , 



- g — i-U 



ig^E :ESE^=g £^ g§g ^p=^ E >^ 



SCHOOLDAY MEMORIES - Concluded 



39 



CHORUS, 



'^P^i i ^ - 1 i^— • — Hi i F =r)-£^=^^^^- Ft- — I — F£^ ba-»-»- 



Schcol-days, those hap-py school-days, Our mem'ry's f an-cy brings back once 



|i 



h^f^ 



in — ^ 



;^ 



p^- 



1 r 






^^^=^ 



more; De-part-ed school-days, e-vent-ful school-days, Back in our 



I 



=P=t 



l!S==f^ 



^53E£ 



pz:=|-L=it 



gri I i^ |— p 



^EE±^E^gEgEl:^EE£Ep =.';bE=d^ 



P=:=ft=e=: 



life's bright, sun-ny spring-time, And we knew no cares or sor-rows, But sun-ny 



'=d ^=iN=r^ 



-Uni^t^- ti: 



mor-rows. Still we will sing tlie old re - frain. In the. sun-set of our 




jiiiii^ 



lives Our heart within us strives To live those jol-ly days a-gain. -gain. 

|-1— y-2- 



i^^l^I^ 



40 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

Teacher: The next on our program will be a recitation by 

Lydia Lee. 
Lydia [recites] : 

IN 1492 

I think of all the things at school 

A girl has got to do, 
That studying hist'ry, as a rule, 

Is worst of all, don't you? 
Of dates there are an awful sight, 
An' tho' I study day and night, 
There's only one I Ve got just right, 
That 's 1492. 

Columbus crossed the Delaware 

In fourteen ninety-two. 
We whipped the British fair and square 

In fourteen ninety-two. 
At Concord an' at Lexington, 
We kept the red coats on the run. 
While the band played ''Johnny Get Your Gun/' 
In 1492. 

Pat Henry, with his dyin* breath — 

In fourteen ninety-two. 
Said, ''Gimme liberty or death!" 

In fourteen ninety-two. 
An* Barbara Frietchie, so 'tis said. 
Cried, ' ' Shoot, if you must, this old gray head, 
But I 'd rather 't would be your own instead ! ' ' 
In 1492. 

The Pilgrims came to Plymouth Rock, 

In fourteen ninety-two. 
An' the Indians standin' on the dock, 

Asked, "What are you goin' to do.^" 
An' they said, "We seek your harbor clear 
That our children's children's children dear. 
May boast that their forefathers landed here. 
In 1492. 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 



41 



Kentucky was settled by Daniel Boone 

In fourteen ninety-two, 
An' I think the cow jumped over the moon 

In fourteen ninety-two. 
Ben Franklin flew his kite so high 
He drew the lightnin' from the sky, 
An' Washington couldn't tell a lie. 

In 1492. [Nixon Waterman 



Teacher : We will now listen to a song- by the girls. 

Girls [sing, joining: hands in couples and sivinging with the 
music. ToPSY-TuRVY stands in center, swinging her arms 
violently. The rest of the girls finish the song and quietly 
slip to seats, leaving Topsy still swinging and singing, 
"swimming, sivimming,'' her motions being more lilc 
swimming than swinging. Upon finding herself alone, 
* she gives a start and rushes to her place.] 



SWINGING 'NEATH THE APPLE TREE 

0. R. Barbowes 

j^4^-f — -fe— ^ sr-^ ^' — f— > — -j^ — ^— 1, — ^ J — . 


1. Oh, the sports of child - hood! 

2. Sway-ing in the sun - beams, 

3. Oh, the sports of child - hood! 


^»±—^=tr-t^ B — J 

Roam - ing thro' the wild - wood, 
Float - ing in the shad - ow. 
Roam - ing thro' the wild - wood. 


iy^i^^=5^_^=c=j 


%^g_-±_|EEp^^5^ 




Running o'er the mead-ows, 
Sail - ing o'er the breez-es, 
Sing- ing o'er the mead-ows, 



hap 



py and free; 
py and free; 
py and free; 



But my heart's a-beat-ing 
Chas-ing all our sad - ness, 
How my heart's a-beat-ing. 



42 



THE LA.ST HALF-DAY 



Wf 



il<1 fimft cropf-ine', Swine'-ine' 'nonhh thft old »n - nlA trpp. 




ug neatn tne oiu ap - pie iree. 



@ 



For the old time groet-ing, Swing-ing 'neath the old ap - pie tree. 
Shout-ing in our glad-ness, Swing-ing 'neath the old ap - pie tree. 
Think-ing ol the greet-ing, Swing-ing 'neath the old ap - pie tree. 

r t • ^- ?^ 

— t* — i^~k"^-p^ 

CHORUS. , I 

Swiug-ing,swinging,swinging,swinging,Lulling care to reSt 'neath the old apple tree, 



— 1 \— 

Swing - ing, 






1 1 ■ ^r-t? ^'\ — 

swing - ing, swing - ing 'neath the old ap-ple tree. 



ms^^^mMM: 



Swing-ing, swinging,swinging,swinging, Swinging 'neath the old ap-ple tree. 



i 1- 

Swing - ing, 



1 Tf 

swing - mg, 



Swing-ing 'neath the old ap-ple tree. 
END OF EXERCISES 



AN IMPROMPTU FARCE 

At the conclusion of the program Professor Catciiematit 
comes forivard to the center of the stage and invites the 
visitors to ''say something.'' Result is a hot and amusing 
squabble, which may well be called an impromptu farce. 

Teacher: This completes our exercises for the day. We 
want to thank our distinguished visitors for their pres- 
ence; also, the fathers and motliers who found it con- 
venient to be present. We Avoiild be pleased to hear from 
anybody who may have a word to say for the good of the 
school. 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 43 

Windstorm [excitedly] : I may not have anything to say 
for the good of the school; but I think I can say some- 
thing for the good of the taxpayers. I happen to be a 
taxpayer, and a lieavy one, too. Schools are all right if 
it don't cost too much to run 'em. Education is all right 
if it don 't make fools of the scholars. I have n 't any 
fault to find with our school, or our teacher, but I must 
find fault with what 's written on this slip of paper. 
[Holds up paper and reads.] One towel, one broom, one 
dust pan, and a gallon of kerosene to build fires with. 
Now I don't object to getting things that are necessary, 
but what on earth does a well-regulated school need with 
all that junk? [Indicating paper.] Soap in a school- 
room! Who ever heard of it? Kerosene to build fires 
with! Sounds like the teacher is afraid of a little exer- 
cise ! None of this nonsense while I 'm on the Board. 

[School groans.] 

Whipstock [looking at Windstorm cantemptuously] : I 'm 
a member of this school board, and happen to be a tax- 
payer too. But a different kind of a taxpayer from our 
friend, Mr. Windstorm. 

School [shouting] : He 's our friend all right, all right! 

Whipstock : I 'm a willing taxpayer, and the only fault I 
can find is, that the children are not as observing as they 
used to be. Ever notice that, teacher? 

Teacher: No, I have not. 

Whipstock: I '11 prove it to you. 

[Steps to hlaekhoard and asks piipils to give numbers of 
two places. He writes on hoard, hut changes num- • 
hers around. Ruhs out 36, writes 63; 75, writes 57.] 

Sammy [waving hand] : Teacher, let me give a number ! 

Teacher: All right, Sammy. 

Sammy [gleefully] : 77. Let 's see you turn that around ! 

Whipstock [laughing] : This school is all right. The best 
in the county. You can have anything you wan+ A. 
barrel of kerosene if you want it I 



44 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

Windstorm [angrily]: Not while I'm on the Board! 
[Shakes fist at Whipstock.] 

WiriPSTOCK: Oh! you are not so much! [Defends himself.] 

DooTJTTLE [jjompouslif] : As moderator of this district, it is 
my duty to preserve order. Gentlemen, come to order 
at once. 

Mrs. Settemrite [rising] : I jest want to say one thing! 
This here ain't no kind of a school to my way o' thinkin' ! 
I ain't heard no good grammar since I been in this here 
school. They ain't nothin' learnt in this here school but 
foolishness. An' I hear tell they are going to put in a lot 
of new-fangled things, such as drawin' of picters an' 
teachen' 'em to play with bean bags, and organizin' of 
]\Iothers' Clubs. In my day, drawin' of a pail of water 
was what a boy learnt. Some of the scholars won't know 
beans, no matter how many bean bags they play with. 
An' Mothers' Clubs! The ide-er! Jest a mess of gos- 
sippin' women, and I don't take no stock in 'em. In my 
day, father's club Avas enough fer us. I 'm a taxpayer, 
too, an' will stand right back of Director Windstorm! 
He 's my kind of a tomato ! 

Billy [imiyudently] : You mean a hot tamale. 

]\Irs. Settemrite [shaJdng fist] : Billy, you 're a fool! 

Billy : No, I ain't. Ma says I'm bright. So bright she 
calls me her sun (son) ! 

AIrs. Settemrite: What kind of a school is this, anyhow? 
Children allowed to sass visitors! 

Clem [swaggering] : It am a good school, Mrs. Settemrite. 
IMistah Whipstock says it am a good school. 

i\rRS. Settemrite: A good school! Good fiddlesticks! 

Tommy [insolently] : You couldn't tell a good school from 
a flock of canary birds. 

Mrs. Settemrite [growing more excited every jninute] : 
Now I 've had enough of this sass ! I did n 't come here 
to be insulted ! 



IN THE DISTRICT SCHOOL 45 

Hans [draivling] : Den why did you come? Nobody axed 
you to. If you don't like our school put yourself oud 
once. Ain't it so, Professor'/ 

Mrs. Settemrite [starting for Hans] : I '11 put you out ! 

Mr. Doolittle [impressively] : I must preserve the peace, 
J\Irs. Settemrite. [Moves toward her.] 

Mrs. Settemrite : I '11 have a piece of that Dutchman's hair ! 
[Grabs Hans' Jiair.] 

Mr. Doolittle: I am the executive officer of this district 
[laying hands on Mrs. Settemrite], and I command you 
to come to order! 

Mrs. Settemrite [shaking Hans vigoroxisly] : 1 am in order ! 
I had the floor first. 

Mr. Doolittle : By virtue of the authority vested in me, as 
Moderator of this school, I shall proceed to put you out ! 
[Pushes her toward the door, Mrs. Settemrite talking 
all the time.] 

Mrs. Settemrite [pounding with fists on outside of door] : 
This here fight 's just begun, Mr. ^loderator! An' I am 
going to the end of the rope, if it takes all I 've got ! 
[Exit.] 

Teacher: Well, children, now that the excitement is all 
over, we would like to hear a few words from our hon- 
orable school commissioner, Mrs. Rulewell. [Class claps 
hands.] 

Mrs. Rulewell [rises and addresses school] : I am Ella 
Rulewell and I came to inspect the school. I find every- 
thing satisfactory. The discipline is beyond ordinary, 
and the recitations are perfect; facts which are due 
largely to so efficient and conscientious an instructor as 
your teacher. But, boj^s and girls, such conditions could 
not exist if you had not done your part. For such dili- 
gence and faithfulness I present you with a likeness of 
myself, for which I trust you will find a fitting place on 
your walls, in memory of one who is always in sympathy 
with such splendid work as I have seen here. 



46 THE LAST HALF-DAY 

[Presents school with a framed chronio, or caricature of 
herself.] 
Billy [rising]. All those in favor of extending a vote of 
thanks to Mrs. Rulewell will please stand on their feet. 
Those opposed will please stand on their heads. 

[School rises and, while standing, closes with the singing 
of *^ America.''] 

CURTAIN 



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160 pages. Cloth. Price, 36 cents 

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205 pages. Cloth. Price, 60 cents 

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up-to-date. 

120 large pages. Paper. Price. 25 cents 

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80 pages. Paper. Price, 15 cents 

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a manual for teachers. Illustrated. 

Price, 36 cents 

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160 large pages. Boards. Price. 36 ceuts 

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96 large pages. Paper. Price, 16 cents 

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By Joseph C. Sindelar 
Nixie Bunny in Manners-Land — A Rabbit Story of Good Manners 
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



017 199 298 9 • 




